dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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