the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
