Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
