I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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