a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
