if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
