She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
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