It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Randomize
