woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
You may now shotgun with the bride
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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