No. You are not the Kate in this relationship. I will do what I want.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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