How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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