loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
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