guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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