I'm lost and stupid without you.
Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
honey bunches of taint.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
If I die, sorry about rent.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Randomize
