I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
It was like giving head to a cactus.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Randomize
