3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
where are my pants?
in the oven.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
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