Someone shit on the floor
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
