she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Randomize
