The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
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