is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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