I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Randomize
