So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
