perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
