so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Randomize
