Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
