actually, I'm a sock model
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
