i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
