So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
