I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
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