This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
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