not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
