You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Randomize
