My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
