i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
