I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
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