well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Randomize
