I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
