The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
