I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
