I met the friendliest cop last night
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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