i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
Randomize
