I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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