i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
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