I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Randomize
