I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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