Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
The air was thick with penises
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
