my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Randomize
