My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
