my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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