Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
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